The Man and the Miscarriage

I said in the last post that maybe writing about our family dog passing would probably help me build up the strength to write about something harder. I wasn’t going to do them back to back. I was going to space it with better news in between, but I guess ripping the bandaid off would be the best way to do it.

A lot has been going on here since last April. Geeze, it’s crazy to think it’s coming up on a year for this. The hardest of what’s been going on in this hectic life we live is something I’ve been debating with myself, whether I want to air it out to dry for everyone to see or not. It’s one of those things I’ve learned that no one really likes to flaunt or bring up, and for good reason. There’s a lot of weight that goes with the hurt. A lot of questions and doubt and self-accused affliction that burns a hole in you. Yeah, the burn heals, but that scar is there, whether you choose to wear it on your sleeve or not. So for me, after much debate with myself and my wife who thought it would be best to do this, I’m deciding to come out with it. But it’s not completely for me. It’s also for you. Yeah, you, man. The guy who is probably reading this. I’ll try and word it so it can come up in searches properly. I didn’t even want to say the word miscarriage, but I guess I have to. My main goal is I wanted to try and get something out there so you know you’re not the only one feeling what you’re feeling. The aftermath of this had me looking around for support. And rightfully so, mostly everything I found was being directed towards the mother. It’s something that is completely understandable. And that’s what the point of this is. To show that it’s ok for the father to hurt too.

To be clear before we go any further, like I said, I’m writing this with my wife’s blessing. Matter of fact, she’s the one that brought it up that I should do it. She knows the therapeutic ability writing has for me and knew this would probably be the best way for me to get out what I need to get out. I tend to keep to myself when things bother me. Which you may or may not know, is the absolute worst thing you can do. Keeping things bottled up for the sake of being strong, even if you’re doing it for those around you, is a good way to explode into a catastrophic mess. But hey, we all have our faults. 

It’s especially hard with this situation. I mean, when you think about it, what are we (men) going through compared to our better half? The answer is minimal. Almost nothing. Mentally, maybe, depending on who you are. But there are a million other emotions and feelings and physical changes going on with mom, that there really is no comparison. Some guys – I’m talking about the misogynistic douchebags who are constantly giving real men a bad name – they seem to think that because they have male bits that it makes them better than women. Seriously, if you honestly believe women are below you and they’re not the dominant gender between us then you need to take your head out of your ass and get some fresh air. A woman’s body on the regular is so intricate and advanced compared to ours, it’s unreal. Let alone when something like this goes on.

And that’s where we’re stuck.

Because we did our part in the process and everything else after is basically emotional support. Sadly, it’s not always a straight shot from start to finish where everything is great. The path you were both ready to venture on can deviate and put you on a dark road. And it’s beyond anyone’s control. No prevention could’ve been taken, no preparation for that abrupt stop in your journey. You’re thrown into a dark and scary forest and you’re forced to find the road back to town again. There’s a million different emotions and thoughts going on and it’s the woman who has to go through it all. As a man, what is there to do besides console and hold and try your damndest to comfort? 

I’m not saying you can’t feel terrible. It’s a loss for you all the same. But with it not being our body dealing with everything happening, it’s hard to put yourself on the same level and easy to forget you have a right for feeling loss too. I tried to stay strong. I listened and held and reassured. But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some sort of guilt. Like clapping for someone who just gave a speech about why it’s hard to live with one hand. You can’t put yourself in that mindset though. It has the potential to be one of the hardest things you and your partner go through, and disconnecting yourself may do more harm than good. You need to be there. You need to feel it too, and most importantly, it’s OK to feel it too. 

A friend of mine who I talked to about it said they had been through it as well. He understood the struggle and the hurt. He reassured me basically everything I’m saying here, knowing full well the things going on in our minds at the time. And I never knew it about him. I brought it up because the world turned upside down on us and I had nowhere to turn. My wife had a few people she could confide in, but I knew no one. Turns out I did though. And again, that’s the reason for this.

Because generally, you don’t hear or read about many men who are going through this. It’s a woman’s body and mind in that battle, not ours. Who are we to discuss and feel and share feelings about losing a child. About saying goodbye to an unknown piece of you. About never knowing this person that never had a chance, that you know you would’ve given your life to protect. Who are we to feel pain, despite having no physical wound that needs healing?

Yes, that’s right. We’re the fathers. 

We don’t birth and nurse children. We don’t carry for 9 months, living a life for two people. But we are integral to their creation. Half of the reason why that miracle occurs. No, we cannot fathom what mothers are going through during a loss, but that doesn’t mean we can’t feel the pain. And don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel otherwise. Be strong, be that stone your wife needs to rest upon. Just don’t forget it’s ok to need a stone yourself.

This can go on and on, deeper down into a rabbit hole of emotions and questions. But I think I got enough off my chest. This can be a make or break event in a relationship. So many things can happen. Bonds can be weakened or strengthened. It’s about how the mom and dad continue on. How they choose to let this impact them. I’ve learned that in my circle of friends there are a few who have suffered losses. Some more times than one. I feel a connection now, knowing this and having gone through it. And I’m thankful for those who shared their stories with us. It gave me enough strength to get this down and posted so that maybe, somewhere out there, there are fathers and mothers who need this support.

I can only hope I cleared some fog, because I know when that storm was overhead, it was hard to see straight. So much is happening so fast, and as a man, it’s hard to think about what you should or shouldn’t be feeling. What you are and aren’t allowed to respond to. Well, don’t let that cloud you anymore. The time you’re going through is dark, but you don’t need to navigate it that way. Cast your light and hold your partner tight as you move forward down the path you’re taking. For as long as you both agree and share that mutual connection, the bond will be enough to carry you to the sunshine again. 

And just to close out on something positive. Remember, this all happened in April of 2019. Well, as of the end of January 2020, we are about 2 weeks away from welcoming our 3rd child. We were on the fence as to whether or not we were going to have a third for a long time. Like… a long time. But we finally decided to just do it and go for it. And then, after the miscarriage, we were almost destroyed enough to not try. Taking it as a sign to not have a third. We let a few months pass before we agreed we would try one more time. We in no way had the strength to go through this multiple times. And I cannot commend enough those who suffer through numerous losses, trying to bring a child into the world. We are aware how blessed we are and know how easy it could have gone a different direction. We cannot wait to meet number 3, but we currently, and always will remember the one we lost. In the back of our minds, that child will always be there with us.