Another year behind us! Time is absolutely FLYING and I really cannot sit here and think about it because, oh boy, the anxiety. So anyway, how’s life?! How’s it been??
I always love to acknowledge the elephant in the room by shining a spotlight on the fact that I have not been around. Usually I make it a point to not do so, per the instructions of my life coach (enthusiastic thumbs up and smile towards Coach McWhiskey). But seeing as how my absence is going to be one of the focal points of this post, I might as well bring it out and shake its hand.
I have had this blog for well over 10 years now! INSANE! But the last few years, whenever I came in here, it as been less of a “I’m a blogger and I still have a story to tell!” and more of a “hey, let me go and air out the musty smell and make sure nothing is living in there.” Like many things, it’s not my fault! But in reality, we all know the truth. It’s life’s fault!! This chaotic hand the game of life has dealt me, I couldn’t scratch an itch if I wanted to!
Ok, seriously, I’ve been saying life is crazy for a long time. And I’ve been pushing it off that the day to day grind is prohibiting me from doing all sorts of things. Taking a step back, yes, I’m still totally blaming the chaos, don’t get it twisted hahaha. But more so, it’s my inability to process things. Yeah life throws a lot at me. It’s not unbearable or overwhelming compared to others, but for me and how my mind works, it makes it incredibly difficult to keep simple things simple, and difficult things manageable.
I’m not here to tell you I’m a changed man, or that I’m cured and I now magically with a wave of wand have my shit together. Because I don’t. Far from it. I’m still very much easily overwhelmed and need a few minutes of chill TF out time if things get crazy. But what I am saying, is that I am attempting to be much more conscious of it. I’m going to try and take my time to analyze and react accordingly, rather than jump to an automatic reaction. I am sure my wife will continue to keep me in check when times get crazy, but I’m hoping that soon enough, she won’t have to.
I feel like I’m making myself sound like a really horrible person. Sometimes, I feel that way, but things are always worse in your head. I’m far from perfect though, that’s for sure. It’s just that constant feeling of being stretched in multiple directions and trying to accommodate every single one at the same time. It’s manageable to a certain degree, but when it’s too much, well, it’s too much.
For a long, long time, I’ve been living in the chaotic duality of Bruce Banner and The Hulk. Which will you get? Who knows. And that’s not fair for me, but it’s especially not fair for my family. So now that I’m writing this out and cementing it into the universe, I really want to try and do good by it and hold myself accountable. I want to take my puny Banner and the big green guy, and let them coexist like I’m Professor Hulk handing out tacos to everyone who needs one.
So that’s for life. Where does that fit into here? Well, for a long time, much like my island in Animal Crossing: New Horizons, I have left this blog tucked away in a drawer, untouched, ignored, and no longer cared for. If there were villagers wandering around here, first of all, OMG, could you imagine?! How amazing would that be?? To have villagers wandering around your blog that mimmic your various state of minds/personalities according to the blog posts you do. My goodness, I could only imagine how much —-OK FOCUS, LOS.. deep breath…. Ok, back on track. So if there were villagers walking around, they would be mumbling all sorts of curses and insults whenever I logged in.
I want to fix that! I want to revive this little corner of my internet and make it a place to talk and share and vent to again. With the violent death of Twitter, never to be referred to as X, I ditched my over decade old account with all its history, ne’er to return. I have not had one urge to go back either. BUT. I have had an urge to have a voice somewhere. I’m still on Instagram and still love updating there (after I cut down to one main account from my two that I had), but most of the time I’m updating Instagram as if it’s a microblog. So why do that when I have an actual blog?! Plus here, I don’t have to worry about some douchebag with way too much money coming in and ruining everything.
Ugh, I’m so scared Instagram will fall one day. I have so many memories on there. I really need to find a good way to back all of that up.
So to close out this post, here is my plan. I’m going to focus on me more. Make sure I am a better person.. No wait. That would mean I have to be nice to people. And you know, some people out there… yeesh. That’s all I’m going to say. I’m going to make sure that I try my hardest to be a better father and husband because no, I’m not horrible in either of those roles, but I could be a helluva lot better. And I’m going to try to be better for me. Give myself more time for stuff. Give myself a routine/schedule or try and plan better so my life and small amount of free time is not ruled by chaos. Because even though life is crazy, doesn’t mean I have to succumb to it. It is relentless and merciless and it’ll take any and all mental energy – if you let it. There’s a balance to find. Have I found it? HELL no. But I know it’s out there and I know it’s possible. That is enough to get me to try and do better.
As far as this blog goes, I’m here again. For almost a year now, I’ve been telling myself that I want to blog more. I have so many things I want to get on here and say “yes, I wrote about that.” So many different reviews, experiences, opinions, and just regular ol’ stupid stuff. I feel like when I used to regularly update this thing and be much more consistent in making sure it exists, it put me in a better mental state. I wasn’t perfect, but I felt like I had an outlet. Like I had somewhere to go to say something where (at least 4 other) people can react and interact with it. I miss it! And I want it back.
I sat here for a bit before I started typing. Trying to think about what it was that puts up the mental road block that always stops me from posting here. I figured it was two things: One, my personal need/desire to associate every single post with a bunch of pictures. And two, the GD SEO BS that “yOu NeED oN yOUr bLOg if YoU WanT tO bE SeEN!!1” Yes, I know. But damn, it’s a pain in the ass that I do not want to deal with. I’m at the point where I really don’t care about numbers. Actually, I never cared about numbers. If I did, I would have made it a point to push everything a ton more. So I’m not going to worry as much about needing SEO filled out. Maybe that’ll change, but for now, I’m good.
And as far as the pictures go, I am refraining from that need. This place has ALWAYS had a bunch of photos in its posts because I love visual aids myself. But that need to have to find and edit all the pictures was really daunting when all I wanted to do was write. This is the same issue I have with Instagram. I love the platform and sharing my pictures. But the having to scroll through and find the ones to post, and sit there finding the filter, and then multiplying it by like 10 posts because I don’t keep up with them makes me so BLLaaaRRHhghghsodfnidfnsodh.
I feel like I’m not the only one.
But I’m fixing it! No maybe. No we’ll see. I’m going to do better! And once I get a steady groove going and have my head in a right place with the blog, I’ll have my eyes set on the podcast.
Until next time!
