It’s the most wonderful time of year! Gotta love the holidays, don’t cha?! There’s always a feel in the air. Like some sort of magic filling up all around. I’m sure there are plenty that don’t feel it. Sometimes life can.. well, life can happen. It’s funny like that. I’m not one of those maniacs who look at you like you just kicked a kitten just because the holidays don’t hit you a certain way. We all have our reasons, whether they’re something deep that you don’t like to let see the surface, or they’re more recent wounds that just make it incredibly hard to simply feel happy. Either way, I’m not going to guilt or judge, no there’ll be none of that from me. I just hope a little ray of light can shine your way if you need it. Even the slightest. If a spark is in the distance, follow it and help it grow as much as you can. Hold on to its memory and make the spark live forever if you must. If it’s something you need to light your way, then do it so you don’t lose yourself in the process.
I needed it. My family needed it. Not a secret that last year the lights got shut pitch black for a while. It was hard to think straight, let alone think ahead. Thank God, the powers that be, and the luck of lifetimes that a candle somewhere was kept on and allowed to drown out whatever darkness had come. My family and I were able to move forward and keep to our path. And even now as I sit here, updating with another clean bill of health from the doc, it’s still something that I can’t believe happened to us. To me. Nothing like a colonoscopy and someone telling you you’re as clean as a whistle to really spruce you up for the holidays.
But like I said, not everyone is in that boat. And this merry time of year seems to do a great job at really intensifying any and all emotions – good or bad. I get lost in thoughts sometimes, like when mundane everyday things happen, I would somehow find myself in this “what if” world. And man, is it hard. It’s a nightmare to think of and not something I would wish on anyone. The inspiration of this post and what made me think of it this time was a Christmas movie. So I felt like I needed to come here and say something because, hey, it’s been a while and was due for an update.
There’s a chaos about our lives right now. The kids are at that age where the older generation will see you in a store and say “ahhh, I miss that age. Enjoy it!” Like, lady, are you even SEEING this shit right now?! Honestly though, as many times as I’ve heard that, I’m sure it’s the truth. I know more freedom and free time with the Mrs. would be great. But all in all, this is where we are. Right smack dab in the middle of the Crazytown like a storm shelter during a hurricane.
And I could sit here and lie to you and tell you the chaos is all organized, but if you know kids then you know the truth. There’s no organization here. Some days it’s just you and Jesus. And even then, he’ll look at what’s happening and be like “OH, I got a thing, brb!” But it’s life, and life is grand no matter what’s happening. No matter the fighting, or screaming, or arguing, or cursing, or more fighting but this time over something “totally different and not the same.” It’s stressful, it’s madness, and it’s a huge load of BS. Like, why isn’t it easy? How can an innocent child harness the such evil on a daily basis without bursting into flames?!
But still, it’s life. And yeah, it.. uh.. finds a way… Why? Because it’s beautiful and tenacious and so absolutely full of itself that it’s bursting at the seams with everything it’s wanting to throw at you at once. And I have such an overwhelming amount of guilt when I feel like I can’t hang and can’t deal with it. Knowing where I was and knowing how it could have been. Given constant reminders about things, and still giving into the struggle of hard days, letting the bad get to me, knowing I could do so much better and I don’t. It’s just that… it’s just that there is always a mess. Everywhere. If I want to put something down, I need to walk into the other room to find an empty space. And I clean, and then 30 mins later, it’s a mess again. I feel like the source is the kitchen. I always seem to be cleaning that the most but I’m not too sure. It just sucks so bad. You know you can do better with things, but at the same time you feel like you can’t because ARE YOU KIDDING ME, WHY ARE YOU… GET OFF, NO PUT THAT DOWN!
I may sound like I’m all over the place. Like I’m just rambling on about randomness. Listen. That is SO not the point. Because first, this is my blog, and if I want to ramble like a madman about things as if I’m philosophical monk living on a mountain, then guess what? I could totally do that. Second, it’s exactly the point, despite me just saying it’s not. See what I mean! Words are hard sometimes, hear me out. It’s the point because life is fast. It doesn’t stop and wait for you to catch up, it doesn’t take a chill pill because you had a day. It comes at you faster and harder than a prom date and if you’re not ready to catch what it’s throwin’ then you’re going to wake up with a huge life-shaped chichón on your forehead.
What I’m saying is this: Life is crazy. Life is non-stop, edge of your seat madness that doesn’t care one bit about you not being able to keep up. So… don’t. Don’t keep up. Let it zoom on while you sit there and enjoy its breeze. As someone who saw the ever-burning flames of life begin to dwindle, take it from me. Don’t stress the chaos, embrace it. Because that insanity that you’re pulling your hair out about is happening because you’re there. You’re alive. You’re experiencing it and you’re living it in that moment. TRUST me, I need to record this and play it to myself on a daily basis. I’m the last one to stay calm and take it easy when it’s really hitting the fan. Two growing boys who are at each other’s throats and a sweet innocent toddler girl following behind them is enough crazy to make a lunatic sane. But no matter what is going on, at the end of the day, I know I am the happiest and luckiest lunatic in the world. And I won’t trade this crazy for anything.
