Hobbies, Family, & Geekery from a Stay-at-Home Dad
It’s been more than 6 months since I’ve touched my blog. And more than a year since we’ve been in this pandemic. With such an obvious and easy way to document what was happening, I reflect on why I have been neglecting the blog. I also go deep on quarantine life and homeschooling 2 boys.
I said in the last post that maybe writing about our family dog passing would probably help me build up the strength to write about something harder. I wasn’t going to do them back to back. I was going to space it with better news …Read More….
There’s been a nice amount of good happening lately. I’m always very conscious to how blessed my family and I are when it comes to life in general. No, we’re not without our problems. Everybody’s got ’em. But for the most part, we’re pretty good. That said, it’s not always great times. I’ve been putting off writing this for a long time. Well, two things. I’ve been putting off writing two things for a long time. Maybe this one will help me build up the strength to get the other thing out.
While both of these things aren’t really things I typically blog about, I feel like I need to. You know, there’s truth in the saying “writing is therapy,” not to mention this blog is basically my journal so I need to treat it as such. But for now, let’s focus on the first thing.
It was the beginning of summer. Kids on their vacation, running amuck, typical times. Wife wakes up, does her morning routine before work, takes the dog out, goes to work, everything is totally normal. It’s time for me to get up. Get the kids ready, shovel them out into the living room kicking and screaming, it was very business as usual. It wasn’t till I got in the dining room that I realized it wasn’t going to be typical at all.
Anikin, our Siberian Husky of 13 and a half years, was there, obviously struggling. Tried to get him up but he was very weak, hard to walk. As I reluctantly called the wife she automatically knew. Then the kids realized something was going on and it was just one gigantic snowball getting pushed off a snow covered mountain, getting bigger and bigger as the hours passed.
I can tell you every single thing that happened that day. To the detail. What was in the room, where we were on the floor as we comforted our friend. It’s so ingrained in my memory, it would be hard to forget it if I wanted to. The room was filled to the ceiling with all sorts of melancholic emotions from everyone.
It was probably one of the hardest things I had to do as an adult. Because it wasn’t just all the feelings being flushed out of me, it was knowing the impact this would have on the kids. It made it all the more painful. So I felt like I had to play it calm, try to be that rock for them, answer questions, let them know what they can do, as if I’ve done this before. Spoiler, I haven’t. Losing a pet is hard. So many things change. The house changes. Routines have to be broken, stopped cold turkey. The air around it feels quieter. Emptier. Like you know there used to be a presence there and now it’s gone. We tried to keep busy after it happened, but no matter what we did it was always there when we got home. The deafening silence. It’s something that only the memories we have are able to fill. And that’s what I told my kids to hold onto. Those memories. As long as they keep remembering, he’ll always be here. Always be around.
The one positive thing I guess I can say is how fast it all happened. Within a few hours, it was over. There was no long process, no medication for months because of sickness, it was just a swift stab to the heart that left a scar. It was something the wife and I always feared. In the back of our minds we always knew it was getting closer to that time. Not from how Anikin acted, because again, he was normal up until that time. But we knew he was old. We knew one day we would have to cross that bridge. So we did the best we could.
It honestly wasn’t until we started looking at old pictures a few days later that we realized just how old he had gotten. Remembering all the memories he gave us, all the times we’ve been through, looking back and seeing how young he was compared to his senior life. It was like a veil was lifted.
And of course, none of this crosses your mind while they’re here. Even if they’re slow to get up and slow to walk around. They are still there. They’re still willing to play, and eat, and interact. You don’t realize how much you take for granted with a pet you’ve had for a long time. You get into a routine and you go day by day, thinking it’ll be like that forever.
Well, this day reminded us it’s not like that. Life doesn’t discriminate. It takes and it takes and it takes and we keep living anyway. There’s a thousand things I regretted that day and every day since. But at the same time, there are even more things that I’m thankful for. All those memories and good times Anikin gave us.
Even the bad times. Like the wife and I still wake up Christmas morning and remember that one year when he was still a puppy and we woke up, excited for Christmas. Only to walk into the dining room where Anikin was in his crate… completely covered in diarrhea. Looking at us like “Merry Christmas! Shitter’s full.” My god, I could still smell it.
Or the time he wiggled himself out of his collar while I was walking him. At least I can say that I was able to chase down a Siberian Husky. I mean, it almost killed me, but I got him. I chased him for a good 5 or 6 blocks. He was having the time of his short life at the time. I remember him stopping to poop in someone’s yard and me catching up to him and getting a foot away from arms reach, so I lept, only for him to dash off and have me come inches away from head diving into his pile of crap.
A family out for a bike ride helped me out. I flagged them down and they circled him and he was distracted enough that I can grab him. My girlfriend (now wife) had absolutely no idea. She knew I was gone for longer than normal so she came outside to check, only to find my flip flops on the ground next to the dog’s collar and leash. She drove around for a while until she found me, holding myself up on a fence, cradling a very happy and derpy looking dog. Had to go back out and look for my phone that was somewhere near the pile of poop I almost dived into. Good times.
We got Anikin as a puppy. Sadly, we got him from Petland. Which, at the time, we knew no better. He was sick too, like on the brink of death, sick. So, thanks, Petland, for sending us to the vet that was in your pocket so he can sign off on a dying dog. We got him better though. And not only him, we got his brother, Atreyu. The wife and I always wanted a Husky. She grew up with them and I was always drawn to them. We went in for one and while we were playing with him, we heard a howling from the back. Like, a howl that made everyone there stop and wonder what that was. We asked and they said, “oh, that’s this Husky’s brother. They don’t like being separated.”
Of course, we asked to see Anikin and wound up walking out with two Husky puppys like complete suckers. The honeymoon lasted a few weeks though. Because we quickly learned how much they didn’t really get along. Atreyu was constantly picking on Anikin, asserting his dominance, with not only his brother but with us as well.
At the time, we both worked, and we couldn’t deal with the fighting on top of the regular responsibility of raising them, so we wound up selling Atreyu. We still wonder what happened to him, since the person we sold him to never stayed in contact. But we wound up keeping Anikin because he seemed gentler and more playful. It’s hard to think that was about 14 years ago.
But it was. And it proves how time is such a harsh beast. I’ll never not be sad about Anikin going to the Rainbow Bridge. And the same for my kids, as you can probably tell by the pictures.
We have two Husky stuffed animals that they now sleep with nightly that they named Anikin. And it seems that almost nightly the youngest is reminded because he always tells me how much he misses him before going to sleep.
As of this writing, his birthday would’ve been 9 days ago. So writing this in celebration seems fitting. Anikin left a huge paw print on our hearts that will never fade away. I hope he knew and understood how much he meant to our family. I’m sure he did, just as I’m sure he’s always here watching over us.
I’m a man of many interests. I’m like an onion, ya know? Layers upon layers that you have to peel away in order to get to know me. Well here’s another layer for you: I like to play with LEGO. It really shouldn’t be a …Read More….
This blog is all over the place, I know. As of right now I am getting an influx of visitors for all of my Game of Thrones content, which btw, FINAL SEASON, OMG! (Edit: this was written after episode 2 but before episode 3 and …Read More….
After such a long break, it’s hard to just come back and act like everything is dandy. I mean, I’m posting stuff now, but I went more than a year without updating anything new. That’s just bananas! And not the yummy, buttery, fried and rolled in cinnamon and sugar kind. To be completely honest, I’ve barely even looked at the site in that year. I’ve gotten a few comments here and there from totally awesome people (because, in case you didn’t know, you’re automatically totally awesome if you comment on my blog). But besides checking those, I just haven’t had the urge. I’ve looked back recently and I was reminded of all sorts of recipes of things I was curious about and experimenting with. And Humpday Updates! Remember those?? You better, because I just posted a new one! Point is, it’s been a long time. Far longer than I’d care to admit. And while I know I don’t owe anyone any explanations I think it’s only right to do so. Because if you’re taking time out to read this, then you’re showing me a kindness. And I would be remiss not to return that kindness. This isn’t going to be a typical, picture heavy post. This is real talk. I’m just trying to get stuff off my chest here.
A lot has happened in the last year. And a lot before that. Because if you want to get technical, I really haven’t been updating for longer than a year. I was going semi-regularly up until December 2015. Looking back, I couldn’t help but notice almost every post began with me apologizing for not posting regularly. It’s then that they started to have more and more time between each update. No, it wasn’t some clever ploy to give you time to savor each post longer. I just wasn’t into it anymore. And I’ll tell you why..
The easy explanation would have a few reasons. Life is seemingly getting busier and busier. And by seemingly, I mean there ain’t no sugar coating it, shit is just cray-cray. With the kids getting older and getting more needy, more after school activities, more of basically everything except time. Then what little time I do have, I waste it away sitting on the most uncomfortable couch on the eastern seaboard (trust me, I checked)(we finally got rid of it!), playing video games. Yeah, I know, I’m a nerd and there’s a thousand other things I could be doing that are more productive. But it’s how I unwind. It’s what I enjoy. [cheapplug]So much so that I co-host a gaming podcast called Future Monkeys [/cheapplug] which went on summer break a few months ago but is coming back soon! But yeah, I love podcasting, and we went on summer break. Why? Because of time, ya dingus, pay attention!
Another easy reason is because, as you may remember from one of my like 3 posts in the past 2 years, is that we moved from North Carolina back home to beautiful Orlando, Florida. Why does that matter? Because we’re renting right now, and this kitchen is.. well, it’s as photogenic as the first place car in a demolition derby, let’s just say that. I do not miss much in NC, but if I had to pick something, it would be the kitchen we had. And I guess the house too, but man, that kitchen! It was sooooo good with the natural lighting and the new counters, and the appliances that worked and were consistent with silly things like temperature control. Anyway, as you can tell from my meatloaf post the other day, it’s going to be a lot different. Not the picture dumps you were used to seeing. I know I got a little trigger happy with the camera, but hey, it’s hard to choose between shots sometimes.
Speaking of picture dumps, I guess it’s time to get into the not-so-easy reasons for my disappearance. You could say I got burnt out. Or burnt. Either way works. I don’t want to say anything negative because I know business and understand the way things work. But at the same time it’s going to be rather difficult to explain without sounding negative. But here we go.
I know I’m asking a lot here, but if you can remember aaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way back to when I used to post regularly, you’d remember I was a part of Wilton’s Sweet Treat Team. I mean, how can you forget, right? It was quite an honor, I must say. And I remember being so excited to be a part of something with a brand that I loved and that had been a part of my life for so long. I did it for two years, and it was a great experience that I’m happy to have documented right here on my blog. In those two years, they asked me for 20 posts (10 each year), featuring their products. That first year was no problemo, I was a mad blogger, churning out whatever and whenever.
But that second year. That’s when things changed. I found less time to blog, and in turn, less time to think of things to blog about. The beginning of the year was fine, I did a few things I had fun doing. But I lost the desire to try and juggle life and blogging after that. But I had to. Ten posts were required of me, no if’s, and’s, or but’s. And the year kept creeping to an end faster and faster. I barely made the deadline, and completed the contract. But at a price that took a toll on me. I was forcing myself to get on here and blog about stuff when I didn’t really want to. It took something that was supposed to be fun and made it into a job. Yeah, it was a job, I guess. I was getting paid for it. And the feeling was apparent, I’m sure. As every post I published was basically a dedicated Wilton post, the wife and I joked that they should just hire me as one of their bloggers. But it was true, that’s all I was doing that was food related. I was fine writing about things that the family and I did or places we went. But as far as cooking went, my respect for Wilton and my contract with them was the only reason why I went in the kitchen.
That was the burning out part… The burnt part was when Wilton decided to stop doing the Sweet Treat Team thing. It was nothing personal, the entire program ended. Of course, I was looking forward to it for the money. No, not because I’m a jerk who only thinks about money. But because.. Well, honestly, when Wilton called me and offered me the gig.. it was the first time in a long time I was going to be able to help my family financially. Ever since my last official job dumped me, my wife had been providing for the family on her own. I was absolutely ecstatic that I was going to be able to cook things, take pictures, and actually get paid for it. I still cannot thank Wilton enough for giving me that opportunity and privilege for two whole years, despite my trudging and barely able to keep up in the final stretch. And yeah, even though I was burnt out and it was hard for me to keep it going in that last year, I was beyond sad that the partnership came to an end. I fell into a rut after that, facing demons again that I wasn’t aware were hiding, waiting in me for so long. I got a taste of being useful moneywise after not making a dime for so long, and it going away once more just brought up all the insecurities that I guess I never fully extinguished deep down inside.
I have long since forgiven Wilton. I was silently upset for a while, full of anger and sadness, depressed, feeling inadequate and unwanted, you know, like I was in high school all over again. But moving back to Florida has given me the opportunity to work an actual job while the kids are watched by their grandparents if need be. It’s nothing huge, contract work here and there, nothing demanding. But still, it makes me feel a little better about what I’m doing to help out my family. If we would’ve stayed in NC, I’m not sure how I would’ve managed mentally. I guess looking back, it’s another reason to be thankful for the decisions we’ve made. You know, on top of the thousand other ones.
Aaaaanyhoo, look at me rambling on. I think I’ve carried on enough about my excuses for being the worst blogger ever. Seriously, people who are getting email updates about my posts are probably wondering who the hell I am and when the hell did they sign up for my updates. Look, I know it’s been a long time, and there’s a ton of food bloggers out there that will give you like 10 posts a week, full of amazingly good looking food and goodies that you can’t wait to pin and post everywhere and probably never even attempt to cook. But just know that I’ll be here. Enjoying myself. Just going wherever the breeze decides to take me. I’m here because I had fun doing this before, and I think I’m ready to try and have fun again. And the passenger seat is open if you want to call shotgun.
I’ve seen that frustration. Been crossed and lost and told, “No.”
And I’ve come back, unshaken, let down, and lived, and let go.
So you can let it be known, I don’t hold back, I hold my own.
I can’t be mapped, I can’t be cloned.
I can’t C-flat, it ain’t my tone.
I can’t fall back, I came too far.
Hold myself up and love my scars.
Let the bells ring wherever they are, ’cause I was there saying…
Another Linkin Park song featured here. I’ve always felt strongly connected to their music.
It seems that if I had to choose a band to make the soundtrack of my life, it would be
them. I feel this song is about holding on to the past and not having control over it. About
reliving mistakes, going through pain, but then overcoming it and becoming stronger.
The song is called Lost in the Echo, and you can buy it with this link which will help out my blog.