Analyzing “Hi Ren” by Ren – Mental Health Awareness Month

Guess what? It’s Mental Health Awareness month. Yup. Allllll month long for the month of… May. Yes, that’s right, you probably looked at your calendar right now and realized the month is basically over. So why am I bringing this up, exactly? Well, because I had plans to post a few things for Mental Health Awareness month! And I was excited to post them because they revolved around songs that have helped me through some darker times.

“Soooooo if I was so excited to talk about these things for Mental Health Awareness month, why didn’t you?!” You ask?

I know, your first thought is that I’m going back to my old ways of neglecting the blog and not showing it the attention I said I would. But nope, that’s totally not it. To be honest, I thought mental health awareness was celebrated in June! That’s right, I’m here thinking to myself for months that come June, I’m going to be posting a bunch of stuff to spread awareness for something I feel like we should all be more conscious of. But nooooooooooooo, I had to go and be disorganized and be off by a whole freaking month!

So because I’m so late, I had to choose just one song. I don’t have the time to grind it out and make multiple posts in a few days. Heck, this one is about 3 good days in the making, if you want a peak behind the curtain. And let’s be real, if I had that kind of time, I would be unstoppable. But I think I chose a good one! It was hard to decide between them, so there was no wrong choice, really. The one I didn’t choose was a real go-getter. It was a great motivational and inspirational work of art. But ultimately, I went with this one for its depth and emotion. Maybe, if this one has a good response, I’ll do the other one sooner rather than next May. 

I remember back when this song came out a few years ago. I wanted to share it with people in a way that really showed how much it helped me. Social media is all I posted on and I knew it wouldn’t do it justice. And for a long time I was so ridiculously far sighted that it didn’t occur to me that I still had my blog. The perfect place to talk about such things. So ever since March when I started this old jalopy back up, I was telling myself I need to dedicate some posts during Mental Health Awareness month. And dammit, it’s still May, so here we go! 

Let’s jump into it. This is probably going to be my longest post yet. I feel like my subconscious does it on purpose whenever I say I’m going to not write such long things anymore. I was originally planning on stretching it into a few posts. A few to talk about the songs, maybe one or two to share some stories about how mental health is important and how we really need to treat it with a lot more respect than what we do. But seeing as how we’re now pressed for time because I’m an idiot, I’m going to focus on this one and call it a day. So here it is!

A little insight into this video. It was shot in one take. Well, the audio was. I think I recall from interviews, they recorded 4 different one take shots. And while the video itself is an edit of those 4 takes spliced up together, the audio alone is from only one of those takes. Regardless, it is rather impressive to say the least. 

I know how it is. Typically, when someone shares music with me, it’s a 50/50 shot that I’ll actually press play. It’s nothing against whatever it is that’s being shared with me, I just know some people are extremely passionate about their music for a hundred different reasons, as am I. So when you listen and you don’t have that connection, it doesn’t really hit the same. Leaving you feeling like you’re doing an injustice to whoever it is shared it with you. 

But considering the theme of this song? Taking into account that the moral you should be walking away with is a universal feeling, and something most humans go through, it should make it easier to take in. Remember, we’re on the topic of mental health. I think it’ll be incredibly rare if you don’t share the feelings that are being sung about here in some sense. This is not a song about something specific like an unfaithful lover or a rough childhood. This is about the internal struggle we all face. The war waging inside us that we involuntarily find ourselves on the front lines for.

The Artist

This artist is Ren. He’s a Welsh singer-songwriter/rapper who has hit #1 in the UK charts, but for some reason, has not reached the top 100 here in the US. Go figure. The magical thing about Ren is not something you can see. You would think after listening to him, that his pure talent and skill behind a guitar and on the mic – which can get downright nasty, lemme tell ya – would be what makes him stand out to me. I was born and raised in The Bronx, the home of hip-hop, and I grew up on a diet of all the greats. I respect Ren’s skill in the art of rap immensely. And his freestyle he did on Fire in the Booth should be a testament to that. 

But what I respect more is the fact that he has been dealing with Lyme disease and the side effects of it since 2009. But it wasn’t until 2015 when he was officially diagnosed. So for 6 years, he was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, and depression. To say the least, it has been a battle for him. One that he continues to fight today with brain damage, PTSD, and ongoing autoimmune issues. 

He has been making music since 2008, and just as he was beginning to take off in his band, that’s when his health took a dive. Since then he has continued with music, using it as an outlet to focus on and bring to light the battle he was fighting in himself. He is always doing everything he can to advocate for mental health awareness, Lyme disease, and autoimmunity.

After the song Hi Ren, you’ll hear a very personal message from Ren where he speaks to you. And I say that very heavy handedly. If you have struggled yourself. Struggled with feelings of an unknown darkness creep on you ever so slowly. Then you feel like Ren is speaking directly to you. And it is here that I am so appreciative of him and his art and how he can take what he has gone through and project it in such a way. 

The Song

I advise you to watch the video first. Then continue reading. I have a guilty pleasure in that I tend to go down rabbit holes on YouTube of watching people react to music. I don’t know, it’s something about knowing a song, and how powerful it is, and then watching someone else react to it for the first time. Knowing a part is coming up that hits really hard, either musically or emotionally, and seeing the reaction justify your feeling of that song. It’s a good, therapeutic time sink, I think. I feel like there are plenty of other better things I could be doing or watching, but isn’t that true with everything we do?

Anyway, this is where I first discovered this song. I think I was watching a reaction video for a Falling in Reverse song, and I really liked the energy of the reactors, so I started to check out their channel and discovered Ren through there. 

If you watched the video above for Hi Ren – which again, I obviously recommend you do first – and you want to get deeper and become the same level of dork that I am, then check out some reaction videos to it! The official song is currently sitting at 53 million views, so trust me, watching others react to it is not as weird as you may think it is. Heck, if you find a reactor you like, go check out their channel, you might find some songs you love being reacted to.

I want to say RykerRoad was the reactors I watched that got me. So if you want to get into it, I highly recommend. They’re some entertaining dudes when they get into stuff, so go check out RykerRoad’s reaction to Hi Ren.

Also notable on the list is Rosalie Elliot who listens to the song from a Therapist’s point of view. This was another great one to watch as she gets very emotional as the song goes on. Ren is the type of down to earth artist that connects with his fans. So in a lot of reaction videos, he would watch and comment and thank them for reacting to him. He did this with Rosalie’s video and from there they connected and she wound up interviewing him a little later, it was really awesome to watch as a fan of both their work. You can check out Rosalie Elliot’s interview with Ren here if you’re interested.

A few more reactions that I watched going down the rabbit hole was Knox Hill analyzing the lyrical schemes of Hi Ren. He is coming from a rappers point of view and he typically has some of the most detailed breakdowns when it comes to rap songs. He too had a pretty great interview with Ren after connecting through his reaction video.

Also,  The Charismatic Voice’s reaction, as well as The Fairy Voice Mother’s reaction. Both of whom analyze the song from a musical perspective, but the Fairy Voice Mother is my favorite of the two. They explain things like the vocals and the actual music, and how they do things that typical people don’t catch as they listen. I love this music theory type analysis and it’s something I always adore taking in when someone is reacting to a song.

Look, I told you guys I was a dork. And like I said, this is a guilty pleasure of mine. If you find yourself burrowing down this rabbit hole as well, let me know, I’ll bring my shovel.

I seriously told myself I wasn’t going to turn this into a crazy long post. Yet, here we are haha. Alright, let’s start getting into the actual song. I wanted to do my own reaction to it. I would love to do it in video form because, hello, dork here. But others do it so much better and I’ve heard it way too many times to act like I’m listening for the first time. So instead, here’s my thoughts in word form. Like I do. And no, I’m not going to go line by line, but I’ll break it off in chunks. So below, you’ll see the lyrics and then my thoughts. Let’s see how this goes. 

The Breakdown

(Opening singing over a guitar)

This may not seem like much of anything, but I’ll come back to this later as I feel like it’s important.

Hi there, Ren,
It’s been a little while, did you miss me?
You thought you’d buried me, didn’t you? Risky.
‘Cause I always come back.
Deep down you know that.
Deep down you know I’m always in periphery.
Ren, aren’t you pleased to see me?
It’s been weeks since we spoke bro, I know you need me.
You’re the sheep, I’m the shepherd, not your place to lead me.
Not your place to be biting off the hand that feeds me.

In the video, the setting of the room is eerie. Ren sitting in a hospital gown and rolled out on a wheelchair gives you a very specific feeling of where the song is coming from. He starts to sing in this harsh and raspy tone and the lights flicker. It’s clearly meant to make you feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Like if your ever-toxic, anxiety ridden subconscious had a voice, it might just sound like this. You can’t really analyze this part without hearing the next part though. But once you do, it hits you, and it hits you hard.

Notable lines:

“It’s been a little while, did you miss me? You thought you’d buried me, didn’t you? Risky. ‘Cause I always come back. Deep down you know that.”

This is one of the opening lines and it could be one of the most haunting for a lot of people. I don’t know about you, but I go through some rough times myself. Sometimes they’re unexplainable. A random thought of low self-esteem, doing something wrong and not being able to bounce back from it. A lack of confidence in anything coupled with no one there to tell you you’re doing great. So many things can make your mind turn.

Sometimes it’s like a light is shut off and your left in a dark room where negative feelings can grow and grow making it harder and harder for you to find the light switch again. Other times, it could be harder. You can turn down a dark path and find yourself lost, unable to get back on track. Either way, this line hits you hard. Because that unknown feeling? That sense of darkness hanging over you ready to whisper in your ear how wrong you are, how much you’re not good enough, how everyone is talking bad about you and no one really loves you…

That is the voice who is singing here. No matter how many times you try to push it away, no matter how many times you try to turn on that light to silence that darkness, it always comes back in some way. Randomly, without warning, without remorse. Telling you every lie it can so it could implant itself in your mind and fester till it changes you. If you’re reading this and you have no idea what I’m talking about, then congratulations, you must not be as crazy as I am. 

Hi, Ren.
I’ve been taking some time to be distant.
I’ve been taking some time to be still. 
I’ve been taking some time to be by myself since my therapist told me I’m ill.
And I’ve been making some progress lately.
And I’ve learnt some new coping skills.
So I haven’t really needed you much man.
I think we need to just step back and chill.

This is when it should all sink in. You hear the contrast like night and day (dark and light..). The first voice – the dark voice – is controlling and manipulative sounding. Like you know ill intentions are meant. Assertive in its message, its tone, and what it’s saying to the other person. You realize by now how much of a threat the bad voice sounds towards the good.

And you also hear how submissive the good sounds. Apprehensive with his words, like a child afraid to speak to a controlling parent. Notice the lighting as well, how they only flicker when the dark speaks, as if the energy is chaotic whenever it communicates. It’s such a perfect representation for this fight between good and bad, dark and light.

Sometimes it’s hard to describe and put into words, the things that go on in your mind. I mean, we’ve been seeing it for decades, since we were kids. All the cartoons with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. We’ve gotten older, but for most, being torn between the two is something that is just as prevalent today as it was back then. Only instead of the two powers tearing you between if you should eat the cookies you were told not to touch or not, the situations you’re stuck in the middle of are a lot more… complicated.

Notable Lines:

“I’ve been taking some time to be distant. I’ve been taking some time to be still. I’ve been taking some time to be by myself since my therapist told me I’m ill.”

The first voice said it’s been a little while. This is where the good voice has been. He found help, found therapy, and in that, peace. Coping with whatever it is he found and learning what is ultimately true for all of us – that the dark voice has no say. Has no stake. Has no power.

So he’s been taking time to be distant and still, finding his way and being happy. And it’s been working. Until, like I said, something happens that you don’t even expect and that shadow slowly slithers into a crack and tries to take over. You realize this voice pleas with the bad, to just chill and let him be, like it knows it can’t win the fight.

Ren, you sound more insane than I do!
You think that those doctors are really there to guide you?!
Been through this a million times,
Your civilian mind is so perfect at always being lied to.
“Okay, take another pill, boy.
Drown yourself in the sound of white noise.
Follow this 10 step program, rejoice!
All your problems will be gone!”  Fucking dumb boy!

And here we start to dance. Your normal, sane self knows how to cope and be progressive and fix yourself. But that dark voice will take everything and twist it in every way it can to make you rethink your choices. “Oh, therapy is working for you… but is it really, though? You’ve tried before to get better and I keep coming back, so what are these doctors doing for you??” The good finds a stride, and is making it work, making progress. But the dark comes and finds your weakness, finds a vulnerability and breaks it down until a crack turns into a hole.

Nah mate, this time it’s different man, trust me.
I feel like things might be falling in place.
And my music’s been kinda doing bits too.
Like I actually might do something great.
And when I’m gone, maybe I’ll be remembered
For doing something special with myself.
That’s why I don’t think that we should talk, man.
‘Cause when you’re with me it never seems to help.

Here is the good in you, knowing full well the bad carries no weight behind it. Because the good truly is doing alright with plenty to be proud of and look forward to. Confidence is high and things are looking up. But doubt has an ugly face. And it loves to show itself when you feel like you have everything going for you. Because deep down, we always have that feeling as if things are too good to be true. That things are going too smooth. Or. That we don’t deserve a good stride. Like we didn’t earn it for ourselves or we have not done things in a way that we can be proud of. 

Notable Lines:

“I feel like things might be falling in place. And my music’s been kinda doing bits too. Like I actually might do something great.”

This resonates. Because yes, we know we’re doing good, but in comes the side of you that will be cynical of everything. And we’re so used to this struggle, that we can be proud of the work we’re doing, but at the same time we question it. Over analyze it. “Like I actually might do something great.” You feel confident in yourself, you see what you’re doing and you know the possibility for success is there, but not enough to feel comfortable and be positive.

Saying you ACTUALLY MIGHT do something great instead of you WILL do something great. And it’s in that broken confidence, that skip of self-esteem, that “I’ve failed and faltered before, so even though things are looking good, there’s still a chance I’ll fail again.” It’s there in that doubt that the voice latches onto and feeds off of. 

You think that you can amputate me?!
I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we,
We are one, split in two, that makes one, so you see…
You got to kill you if you wanna kill me!
I’m not left over dinner, I’m not scraps on the side.
Oh your music is thriving? Delusional guy!
Where’s your top ten hit? Where’s your interview with Oprah?
Where are your Grammys, Ren?? Nowhere!

That tiny seed of doubt gets planted and it can sprout rapidly into something that will weigh you down until you drown. You can have so much lined up and knocking everything out of the park, and without warning, bam! “Oh your music is doing great? Where’s your top ten hit? Where are your Grammys??” It will take everything you are proud of and turn it around and show you the things you haven’t done to make you feel like you shouldn’t be proud.

Feel great you’ve finally started writing a book? It’s been months, you haven’t gotten half way. You cleaned up a messy corner that’s been sitting for weeks? There’s two other corners that haven’t been touched. Cooked dinner and made dessert? But you took time away that you could have been spending with your kids that want to play with you but you were too busy in the kitchen. No matter what you do, if you allow that voice to speak and get into your head, nothing will ever be worth it. Nothing will ever be positive. And this is the point where things get dangerous.

Notable Lines:

“I am you, you are me, you are I, I am we, we are one, split in two, that makes one, so you see… You got to kill you if you wanna kill me!”

This is one of the coldest lines spoken by the dark voice. Of course, it’s not truth, as with everything else he says. It’s your dark side, always hovering and waiting for the moment to step in and take control. To remain in control. And because you always feel like there’s a part of you that is never positive, that is never right, and never good at anything,  you will feel like it will never go away.

Sadly for many, this is where the battle they’re fighting feels hopeless. The struggle gets too hard, and the room too dark. Making you question more than your situation or surroundings. Sometimes that dark voice steers you so wrong, that it’s hard to pull away before it’s too late. This is why awareness is important. Why remembering that we’re here for others is important. Calling someone to just see how they’re doing. Sitting with someone at lunch who always sits alone. Simply saying hi to someone who seems like they need a smile. The smallest gesture can fill someones life with light. 

Yeah but my music’s not commercial like that.
I never chased numbers, statistics, or stats.
I never write hooks for the radio,
They never even play me, so why would I concern myself with that?
But my music is really connecting..
And the people who find it respect it.
And for me that’s enough ’cause this life’s been tough,
So it gives me a purpose I can rest in.

Again, the dance. It’s how we counter the voice. And it’s nothing crazy, or spiritual, or something you have to learn. It’s the truth. Just the truth. You feel like you’re doing great, so guess what, you are doing great. You managed to knock dinner out of the park, saved money from not going out, and everything was amazing. Awesome, now go spend time with your kids afterwards. You finally cleaned up that corner? Fantastic, good on you. Now that’s something you don’t have to do tomorrow.

While we work on ourselves and try to make day to day better for us and the people in our lives, it’s easy to slip and get lost in all the things that we don’t do. You can’t focus on any of that. You have to keep moving forward. All the things we forget or ignore or put to the side. They can one by one pile up and cause that crack in you where the shadow creeps in. But fighting back and realizing that you’re not perfect is the secret. That the good you do really is good and worth celebrating. That’s what will keep the light in that room shining bright. 

Notable Lines:

“And for me that’s enough ‘cause this life’s been tough, so it gives me a purpose I can rest in.”

This is what I’m talking about. Being satisfied. Being happy with what you do. No, it’s not the greatest or the best. But it’s something that you can hold on to. It’s something that you can look at and be proud of.

I’ve been working on this blog to maybe hopefully make some sort of living from it. I know I’m not going to bring home a livable wage by any means, but I was hoping for something to help with some expenses. So far, since March, I’ve made about $10 running all these ads that you are annoyed by. That is a drop in the freaking ocean. It’s nothing. And I could sit here and wallow and question myself – which, I have done, do not get it twisted one bit – or I can look at it as something I’m enjoying. Something I’m able to create and show and be proud of.

I walk around with a QR code for my Linktree on my phone, ready to jump into a conversation with it because I’m proud of every ounce I put into this site. And it’s barely making enough to cover milk and eggs at the store. 

Take this ridiculously long essay of a post that I’m writing right now for example. Part of me cannot wait to get it out and see reactions and share the song with those who need it. Because I KNOW people out there need it. But the other part of me, that voice in me, he’s there reminding me I don’t have a big following. I don’t have an audience. No one is going to come across this and read it and/or care. And I know he’s right, I don’t have an audience. But I know there are a few that will read it. And if something here helps one person then that is enough for me. 

Man, you sound so pretentious!
Ren, your music is so self-centered!
No one wants to hear another song about how much you hate yourself, trust me.
You should be so lucky.
Having me inside you to guide you,
Remind you to manage expectations, provide you
Perspective, that thing you neglected, I get it.
You wanna be a big deal? Next Jimi Hendrix? Forget it.

Ahh, the classic “Trust me, I’m looking out for you!” ploy. It’s what we hear from the most conniving of connivers. Just more doubt cast on yourself. 

Man, it’s not like that!

Man, it’s just like that,
I’m inside you, you twat!

Nah, it’s not, man, you’re wrong, when I write I belong.

Let me break the fourth wall by acknowledging this song:
Ren sits down,
Has a stroke of genius.
He wants to write a song that was not done previous.
A battle with his subconscious…
Eminem did it.

…Played on guitar.

Plan B did it!
Man, you’re not original, you criminal.
Rip off artist, the pinnacle of your success is stealing other people’s material!
Ren, mate, we’ve heard it all before, 
Ohh “she sells sea shells on the sea shore.”

This whole exchange defines a daily struggle. It sounds crazy, but lots of people have this conversation with ourselves every day. Constant back and forth, trying to convince ourselves of something when another part of us is trying to keep us in check.

Notable Lines:

“She sells sea shells on the sea shore.”

This is actually a reference to an earlier song of his – Money Game Part 2 – which I highly recommend checking out as it has aged grotesquely well. 

Fuck you, I don’t need you, I don’t need to hear this.
‘Cause I’m fine by myself, I’m a genius!
And I will be great, and I will make waves,
And I’ll shake up the whole world beneath us!

YES! This is the positivity shining hard. This is like being on a high and knowing without a doubt that you’re kicking ass. There’s no maybe or beating around the bush. You WILL be great and you WILL make waves. And you have the confidence to shake the entire world beneath you. 

Notable Lines:

“I don’t need you, I don’t need to hear this. ‘Cause I’m fine by myself, I’m a genius.”

This is proof of the acknowledgment that the dark voice is nothing but lies. Because when it’s there lurking, you’re full of doubt in yourself. Nothing is you do is right, and you feel like every move is proof of how inept you are. But when it’s not lurking? You’re left to do what you can do and guess what? You are a fucking genius! The world is your oyster and you’re a giant pearl in the center of it. I’ve been on a roll before, knocking things out, feeling good about myself and you really do feel like you can shake up the whole world beneath you. God, why can’t we just hold onto that feeling and make sure it stays true…

That’s right, speak your truth,
Your fucking god complex leaks out of you.
It’s refreshing to actually hear you say it
Instead of down play it…
“Oh, music is all about the creative process and if people can find something to relate to within that then that’s just a bonus.”

Fuck you, Ima fucking kill you, Ren

Well, fucking kill me then,
Let’s fucking have you, Ren!

Ima do it, watch me prove it, who are you to doubt my music?
‘Cause I call the shots I choose if you die-
Yeah, I call the shots and so I who choose who survives—
I’ll tie you up in knots then I’ll lock you inside——

In the video, watching this unfold is a perfect visualization of losing to yourself. It shows Ren, on top of his game and shunning the darkness, but getting so upset and falling for the trap set by the dark voice. Ren caves, stooping to his level and crossing that line. The line, that when crossed and ignored, breaks down the wall separating who you are from who you aren’t. When you can’t tell the difference between who you are and what you’ve become, then you’re allowing the voice to take control..

News flash…
I was created at the dawn of creation.
I am temptation.
I am the snake in Eden.
I am the reason for treason.
Beheading all Kings,
I am sin, with no rhyme or reason.
Sun of the morning, Lucifer,
Antichrist, father of lies,
Mephistopheles,
Truth in a blender,
Deceitful pretender,
The banished avenger,
The righteous surrender
When standing in front of my solar eclipse.
My name it is stitched to your lips so you see,
I won’t bow to the will of a mortal, feeble and normal.
You wanna kill me? I’m eternal, immortal.
I live in every decision
That catalyzed chaos that causes division.
I live inside death, the beginning of ends.
I am you, you are me, I am you, Ren.

Utter chills. Whether you believe in heaven and hell and all that comes with that, it shouldn’t matter. Our history, stories, scripture, and experiences all revolve around the fundamental natures of good and evil. Having been raised Catholic, it’s still hard to take this comparison at face value. I mean, I’ve been able to relate to a lot of what has been said in this song so far, but to associate this negative voice/mentality with what is essentially the devil, is hard to agree with. That’s not to say people have not experienced such things. As that is something I do believe the possibility of. It’s just harder to sit and agree with this the same way I’ve agreed with the rest of the song.

But… I understand where it’s coming from. I understand the feeling of being lost and not having control of your thoughts or emotions. Feeling… possessed. And with the world going on as normal while you sit there waging war on yourself in your mind – knowing there’s nothing wrong with your choices or yourself, but still having that doubt fester inside and consume you – it’s dauntingly difficult to navigate those feelings. Like a ship in a storm, you feel like your own emotions are out of your control.

I’m not saying Ren did not experience something as literal as this exchange (I know he suffered from psychosis and psychosis hallucinations are very much a thing), but I’m not going to discount how this darkness can attack people in ways similar. And the message is very clear – he is not the first to feel such pain, such unrestrained negative and toxic emotions in and towards oneself. Nor will he be the last. I think that’s the main takeaway from this verse.

And again, the embodiments of heaven and hell not withstanding, there is such a mysteriously unsettling shroud surrounding this devil on our shoulder who whispers to us our insecurities and doubts. It’s no wonder why so many succumb to that darkness. With everything he says here, it’s as if such a darkness is cast on you. Like a sudden storm blanketing your world and suffocating you until you don’t have anything left to strive for. This is the point it can drive you to if you let it. And I feel like that’s exactly what we should take away from this verse.

Hi Ren…
I’ve been taking some time to be distant.
I’ve been taking some time to be still.
I’ve been taking some time to be by myself and I’ve spent half my life ill.
But just as sure as the tide starts turning.
Just as sure as the night has dawn.
Just as sure as the rainfall soon runs dry when you stand in the eye of the storm.
I was made to be tested and twisted.
I was made to be broken and beat.
I was made by his hand, it’s all part of his plan that I stand on my own two feet.

And you know me, my will is eternal.
And you know me, you’ve met me before.
Face to face with a beast I will rise from the east and I’ll settle on the ocean floor.
And I go by many names also.
Some people know me as hope.
Some people know me as the voice that you hear when you loosen the noose on the rope.
And you know how I know that I’ll prosper?
‘Cause I stand here beside you today.
I have stood in the flames that cremated my brain
And I didn’t once flinch or shake!

So cower at the man I’ve become!
When I sing from the top of my lungs!
That I won’t retire, I’ll stand in your fire, inspire the meek to be strong!
And when I am gone I will rise
In the music that I left behind!
Ferocious, persistent, immortal like you,
We’re a coin with two different sides.

The chills you had before, I’m sure, now have chills of their own. With everything the dark voice said, proclaiming such dominance, such power and immortality. Hearing this side is like having a wave wash away all sense of doubt. It’s like the sun penetrating through that suffocating blanket of clouds and giving you the chance, the freedom of breathing clear again. And all of it is possible thanks to one thing – hope. 

And he even says it. “Some people know me as hope.” We have it in us. And spoiler, it’s always there. Always ready and able to cast its light and shun away whatever hopelessness shows its ugly face. But it’s just so easy to forget. It’s easy to get lost in life and let things get the better of you. And I feel like that’s the moral of this verse. Of this entire song. He is showing that no matter what darkness is cast, you can outshine it. It’s what we were made for. 

But I think what is even more important than that, is how that good rises inside. How it is seemingly beaten and crushed down, throughout the entire song. Like a bully the way they abuse the same person day in, day out. No matter what that person does, the bully is there to push and kick them right back down. But here, the bullied one stands his ground. He realizes, not only is he bigger and stronger, but that bully doesn’t have any real power over him. He was built to withstand. Built to endure. And after being pushed down and beaten for so long, he’s ready to fight and take back his life. His mind.

And the biggest take away? While the dark proclaimed it has been around since the beginning, and will never go away, the light has also been there, and will continue to be there. This is the rise. This is that moment when your clouds break and you realize all that doubt and insecure shroud that covered you was nothing but a passing storm that didn’t have to be. And while it is true, that that darkness can seemingly never be defeated, take deeper solace in the fact that neither will the light. That is the epitome of hope. Which has been with us since the beginning of time.

(Closing singing over guitar)

I said I’d get back to this later. If you remember and you were paying attention, this is the same singing and guitar playing as the beginning, but this time, it’s closing out the song. 

One thing I notice in every video I’ve watched that analyzing this song, is that everyone is so high from what they just experienced, they hear the happy sounding humming and guitar and start dancing to it smiling. But I feel like something is always overlooked – the lights. 

The symbolism of the flickering lights were constantly attached to the bad voice. During the intro, the lights were normal. It was Ren, and he was singing, enjoying life, being in control. But then here at the end, after everything that happened in the song, we have the same singing and guitar, but this time, the lights going crazy. This tells you exactly what Ren says last: “We’re a coin with two different sides.” So while the song opened with Ren being content and happy, it’s closing with the dark voice being happy in.

Why is he happy? Because despite the strength shown by the good side. Despite proving it is strong enough to withstand and hold off the dark. That shadow is still there. Singing and dancing – almost smiling in mocking retaliation – showing the good that no matter what it says or does, it’ll always be there waiting. It’ll always be lurking in the shadows, waiting for a slip, a crack. A light to flicker off so it can come back with its lies and disdain and grow within us again. 

The Dance

“Ferocious, persistent, immortal like you, we’re a coin with two different sides.”

I’d really rather not break down the things that Ren speaks at the end of the song. That is a personal message from him to whoever needs to hear it. So I hope you listened.

I will say that this dance he speaks of cannot be denied. It is a truth beyond contestation. We will always struggle with life and will always find obstacles in our paths that either force a different direction or prohibit passage altogether. And in these struggles we will meet our dark side. Our fears, our doubts, our what ifs and have nots. They’ll find a fissure in our foundations and work their way in and spread and strengthen and grow as we grow. Ready to try and take control of our minds and realities, and take away as much as they can so that they can reign free.

It’s always envisioned as a devil on your shoulder. Because of the despair it brings, seemingly out of nowhere, feels like it’s not you at all. Feels wrong and uncontrollable. Like an evil. 

But staying true to ourselves. Being happy with who, where, and what we are will cast an eternal light upon our darkness. And like Ren said, the brighter the light shines, the darker a shadow it casts. Those doubts will always be there. They will always be waiting for us to falter and fall. It’s so much easier for your mind to think negative and horribly of situations. It’s why the world is the way it is right now. Why so many struggle with this dance. We have it in us to be better to ourselves, but with social media, the news, and so many out there trying to feed on our mental states, it’s no wonder why there is so much fear and despair, the darkness has a feast to indulge on. And it is so easy to look at the world at large and think, “what’s the point?”

Don’t let it. Step away from what is driven by the negative. Bask in yourself and find a foothold in this battle. This eternal dance. Don’t give in to disparity, despite how easy it is to succumb to it. Find the strength to cast it out and maintain your balance. Take care of yourself and remember the world belongs to the world, only you are in control of yourself. 

I know this was a lot! It’s hard for me to stop when I get started haha. But I hope it was helpful for someone. Even if nothing was read and the only thing you got out of it was discovering this song. That would be enough for me. May is Mental Health Awareness month but that doesn’t mean we can’t take care of ourselves every other month of the year. Take care of yourselves, because no one else can do it like you. Stay strong, because you are. And remember no matter what, there is always hope. 

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, and you’re currently dealing with a crisis and require 24-hour, toll-free, confidential help:
Call or Text 988
Or call 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
There’s also a Crisis Lifeline you can reach to chat with someone online if you prefer that method of communication.

Remember, there are tons of resources out there to help.

The Center for Disease Control has numerous resources to take advantage of.
from Veteran and active duty military.
maternal mental health for before, during, and after pregnancy.
Natural or human-caused disasters.
AS well as plenty of ways to find providers, treatment, and support.?

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is also an option. They have numerous resources you can take advantage of. Whether it’s simply breaking down the myths vs. the facts of mental health, or if you’re still managing stress from everything you dealt with during the pandemic, or for families coping with mental and substance use disorders, or more specifically for college students, ways to prevent and treat anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. 

If it’s something that you need to just get off your chest that is eating away at you, and you feel like a shadow is creeping on, you know how to get in contact with me.

Help is out there for those that need it. You are loved.